drowning

sugarspell-it-out:

love i am alone, and love it has been long

but dear, oh dear, here we are, again or for the first time, we are

we are tired and we are whining but

we are in love.

and love, we do not have to be alone

we do not.

we do not have to fight the battle of the world ourselves

and why, why would we

if we could be a team

and fight together

Source: sugarspell-it-out

I may not be beautiful, but oh, do I try. Though I am not satisfied, I have been fortunate with time.

I may not be beautiful, but oh, do I try. Though I am not satisfied, I have been fortunate with time.

If you would, I could.

I am not the person you fall in love with, though you do love me. I am not the person you spend time with, though you do miss me. I am not the person you speak to, though I do listen.

What if you would let me, allow me. What if I could show you, persuade you. It may not be forever, but it should be now. A moment in time may turn into our entire life.

It may end any moment, but it will have lasted just the same. A fragment of time is still time. Time that I desire to spend with you. If you would be so kind to offer me a now or two. I could show you the way that I see you. You dance throughout my mind, alone. Though I watch, I do not approach.

If you would, I could. At least, for now.

Source: fluro

When friends just aren’t friends.

I refuse to have my feelings invalidated or dismissed just because someone doesn’t think I should feel that way. Yes, it’s true. I’m talking about my best friend, who consistently is making me feel bad about things. Whether it’s my hair, my style, the fact that I don’t have a lot of free time. He tells me not to take so much offense. What bothers me, is he feels the need to bring these things up every day. I can’t tolerate it anymore.

I told him to just stop. I would like him to acknowledge the fact that he does hurt my feelings. Whether he thinks my reasons for being hurt are silly or not, I feel like he should apologize to me for making me feel that way. I’ve realized he’s just one of the many manipulative people I’ve surrounded myself with. He told me something along the lines of “I’m sorry you feel that way. There you go.” Then told me he refuses to apologize for something he doesn’t feel is wrong. I think, as a friend, as my best friend, he should feel sorry for hurting my feelings. There is nothing wrong with how I feel about this, and for him to say something about being sorry for how I feel belittles that. He is making it as if I’m the one at fault.

NO. I’m not. His actions, his words. His never saying thank you, his constant expectation that I will pay for him (which I don’t mind doing because I understand his situation, but at least ask first, or show appreciation), his never apologizing when I bring something up that bothers me is just completely out of line. I know I am open about bringing up these things to him. He just always dismisses me. I fully comprehend his falling out with his previous room mate. Now that I am experiencing it first hand. Everything is always someone else’s problem with him. They are the unreasonable ones, they are taking things the wrong way, well I can’t help but wonder, if so many people have had an issue with him, don’t you think he should reflect upon himself? Maybe he is the problem.

Nothing fine about Schurman Fine Papers.

Days like today, which let’s face it. Are most days whilst working at American Greetings. I’ve had exactly 10 customers since opening at 11:00 AM. (It is now 2:18 PM, and I’m on the work computer browsing facebook, tumblr, and catching up on blog posts from people I admire). I can’t help but wonder if working here is worth the sacrifice I make, allotting forty hours of my life to be utterly wasted here, for a company that I frankly, could not care any less about. They do nothing noteworthy to compensate for their overpriced merchandise, they treat employees terribly, and customers even worse.

For example, I hardly get to see people I would like to spend time with. Last night I had the opportunity to see three friends, who I hardly see. After having to decline past invitations due to working late, and then early in the morning, I was finally going to have time to spend with them. Unfortunately, AG kept me longer than anticipated, resulting me into working a 19 hour day. I was exhausted, infuriated, and then just apathetic. I drove home, and slept.

Despite hating retail entirely, I actually do enjoy Starbucks, compared to any of my other jobs, Starbucks wins in a landslide. (Previous employment includes, a privately owned Hallmark and Spencer’s, as well as American Greetings which I’ve been at since 2006.)

My conclusion is that American Greetings is not worth it, but I do like being more than financially stable. So, I will continue to suck it up until I finally start writing consistently again, publish novels, and earn royalty from my work.

Time is quickly passing, though I’ve never been one to want it to slow down. I don’t mean for this to come out as terrible as it may sound, but I don’t care much for life. I don’t worry about getting older, or running out of time. Society has put the pressure of needing to have an exuberant amount of meaning to life. When in actuality, there isn’t much. Of course, it’s truly a strange concept. To live. I think everyone should have aspirations, and put in a good amount of effort to have a fulfilling life. Honestly, to live is such an immense gift that almost every human being takes for granted. Myself included. To live is the most unpredictable, most unstable “thing” in the entire world. It’s just an event, a fleeting moment. Something everyone should hope for is that they can leave something, have an impact on someone, after they are no longer around to witness it themselves. Be the change. Ghandi said it, embrace it. Just don’t be terribly hard on yourself. Breathe a lot. Don’t be afraid of running out of time, because at least you’ve had some. So, this is where I begin to self medicate with actions and changes to my life. Considering I no longer rely on medication, and I no longer want to take for granted my life that my parents (who have loved me immensely, despite everything I’ve put them through) worked so hard to give me. I will compile of list of things I hope to accomplish, or things I want to do to make myself feel better. - Continue to compliment myself, and others. - Inhale deeply, exhale. Three times each, five times a day. - Write, so much more. - Talk to my mother every day. Even if it’s just a text message. - Exercise and cut out sugar. I’m sure there will be more, but for now , these are the things I would like to cut out immediately.

Time is quickly passing, though I’ve never been one to want it to slow down. I don’t mean for this to come out as terrible as it may sound, but I don’t care much for life. I don’t worry about getting older, or running out of time. Society has put the pressure of needing to have an exuberant amount of meaning to life. When in actuality, there isn’t much. Of course, it’s truly a strange concept. To live. I think everyone should have aspirations, and put in a good amount of effort to have a fulfilling life. Honestly, to live is such an immense gift that almost every human being takes for granted. Myself included. To live is the most unpredictable, most unstable “thing” in the entire world. It’s just an event, a fleeting moment. Something everyone should hope for is that they can leave something, have an impact on someone, after they are no longer around to witness it themselves. Be the change. Ghandi said it, embrace it. Just don’t be terribly hard on yourself. Breathe a lot. Don’t be afraid of running out of time, because at least you’ve had some. So, this is where I begin to self medicate with actions and changes to my life. Considering I no longer rely on medication, and I no longer want to take for granted my life that my parents (who have loved me immensely, despite everything I’ve put them through) worked so hard to give me. I will compile of list of things I hope to accomplish, or things I want to do to make myself feel better. - Continue to compliment myself, and others. - Inhale deeply, exhale. Three times each, five times a day. - Write, so much more. - Talk to my mother every day. Even if it’s just a text message. - Exercise and cut out sugar. I’m sure there will be more, but for now , these are the things I would like to cut out immediately.

“Depression be like a bruise that never goes away. A bruise in your mind. You just got to be careful not to touch where it hurts. It always be there, though.” The Marriage Plot - Jeffrey Eugenides, p.260

Honestly, there is far too much I need to write. It’s taking an exuberant amount of effort to restrain myself from doing so. To save myself from embarrassment. To just fall asleep would be most conducive.